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The deadly secret; Rudolph Carn finally faced it (cont.
page 5)
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For Carn, the turning point came when he owned up to his sexuality after his
life began spiraling out of control about six months into his marriage. His wife
and an aunt sat him down and told him, "either you're going to deal with
this issue or it's going to kill you."
Carn said that his wife knew he slept with men before they married and she
knew he hadn't stopped after their marriage, which ended shortly after he came
out. But the guilt, he said, made him abuse alcohol and take even more risks with
his life.
"She knew," he said. "But I think some women think they can
change people, and they can't."
A month after their talk, Carn said, "I decided I was going to be who
I was. Once I did that, I stopped drinking."
Varied stories
For every personal story of shame and denial, Carn said he has heard two more
from other gay men like him or from those who come through his agency's door.
The insults and slights are as varied as the people and institutions who perpetrate
them, the shame and pain both familiar and frustrating.
Consider the stories of Craig Washington, Adrian Reynolds and Evelyne Zachary.
"As a child, I was always attracted to men," said Washington, who
came out to his mother after she told him, "whoever you love I will accept."
"It didn't become difficult until my early adolescence, when you pick
up on certain messages that homosexuality is evil, unnatural, from friends and
parents and movies," said Washington, who is director of the Center, formerly
known as the Atlanta Gay and Lesbian Center. "I knew I was different and
that I was not right and I hoped that I would change because the world expects
you to be something you're not."
Reynolds, 34, told his family only after he tested positive for AIDS.
"I left my father's house at 19 because I knew," he said. When he
did tell his father, Reynolds said, his response was, "As long as you're
one of them, I don't have a son."
The pain of rejection cuts deep, said Zachary, a 39-year-old lesbian and mother
of two daughters.
"People treat you differently when they know," said Zachary, who
contracted HIV from a male partner. "They shun you. They tell you you're
going to burn in hell."
Still, what's important to note, they all agree, is that HIV, more than any
single factor, is pushing gay identity out of the closet and to the kitchen table
-- and to the pulpit -- to be discussed more openly than ever before.
But Carn said the African-American community still has a long way to go.
"African-Americans have to realize that everyone is not the same sexual
orientation and it's OK," he said. "The ultimate commandment is to love.
If it's conditional, it's not love."
Story Filed By Cox Newspapers
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